One of the things Freeman bemoans in his criticism of the majority of videogame writing is “robo-speak”, which he defines as flat, characterless but most importantly emotionless dialogue. In an effort to see the difference the application of his NPC Interesting Techniques make, let’s rough out some robo-speak in our script.
Agnes is going to play the role of a sort of narrator; her dialogue will serve to cue events to the player as they are pushed along by our timeline, so lets begin by writing in those cues for each event:
Act 1: Introduction
Scene 1
Agnes:
This is Captain Agnes Walker, we are pinned down by a superior force of Izanagi infantry. I request an immediate dropship pickup.
Fleet Support:
Sorry Walker, all the dropships are busy, you'll have to wait for about an hour.
Agnes:
OK, Fleet Support. We'll wait here for an hour.
Act 2: Giant Spiders
Scene 1
Agnes:
What's that?
Sarah:
Help!
Beth:
Help!
Agnes:
Kill the spider-thing!
Act 3: Artillery Strike
Scene 1
Agnes:
Artillery fire is incoming! Everybody take cover!
Agnes:
Fall back to the redoubt!
Act 4: Snipers
Scene 1
Agnes:
Sniper fire! Get down.
Agnes:
Sergeant, kill those snipers!
Act 5: Sandstorm
Scene 1
Agnes:
There's a sandstorm coming.
Act 6: Assault
Scene 1
Agnes:
Here come the Spooks. Open fire!
Act 7: Dropship
Scene 1
Agnes:
Run for the dropship!
Ugh, OK. That technically does the job. Now let’s see if reconsidering each line in the light of Agnes’ Character Diamond improves the situation.
Agnes' Diamond consists of: [Clever Strategist], [Authoritarian, formal], [Calmly Self-Confident], [Dry, sometimes grim wit], her first line is : “This is Captain Agnes Walker, we are pinned down by a superior force of Izanagi infantry. I request an immediate dropship pickup.”
First off, I think she should probably use a call-sign, rather than her name, it’s not very good strategy to go announcing your individual presence all over the place is it? Plus it makes her sound more military and leans towards the [authoritarian, formal] trait, I think (shut up, it does).
In fact, we can use that as a more general guide for Agnes’ dialogue, to use more military-sounding terminology and affectations in her speech, ranks, titles, procedures, all these things will hopefully present her as an authoritarian personality, keen on military formality.
What’s more I don’t think an authoritarian does a lot of ‘requesting’, she should probably be more of a ‘demanding’ person or more likely one who does a lot of ‘ordering’.
Let’s try that again:
Act 1: Introduction
Scene 1
Agnes:
This is Angels-Two-Five-Zero to Fleet Support ordering an immediate hot pickup! [Authoritarian, formal] We are penned in from the south and west by superior Izanagi units, over![Clever Strategist]
Is that better? I think it is. She ‘orders’, she stresses ‘immediate’, she uses words like ‘hot pickup’ and ‘penned in’, because she’s so used to military terminology. She also describes her strategic situation in probably more detail than the situation calls for, because Clever Strategy is another of her traits. Does that rewrite satisfy Freeman’s Dialogue Interesting technique?
Let’s pretend it does and continue to rewrite the whole scene in the same vein:
Act 1: Introduction
Scene 1
Agnes:
This is Angels-Two-Five-Zero to Fleet Support ordering an immediate hot pickup. [Authoritarian, formal] We are penned in by superior Izanagi units, over.[Clever Strategist]
Fleet:
Negative Two-Five-Zero, all dropships are engaged with the evacuation, you're going to have to make it to the extraction point, over.
Agnes:
Fleet, we are outgunned and cut off. [Clever Strategist] They'll be on us any minute, we need evac right now or we might as well start learning Japanese, over. [Dry, sometimes grim wit ]
Fleet:
We can't get a ship to you for at least an hour Two-Five-Zero, you're going to have to hold out, over.
Agnes:
Roger that Fleet, we can hold them. Just get us a ship. Two-Five-Zero out. [Calmly Self-Confident ]
So there we have a single scene that covers all of Agnes’ traits, some repeatedly. I think it makes her more interesting than the robo-speak version, certainly.
For the next scene we're introducing Sarah and Beth, so we continue in the same vein:
Act 2: Giant Spiders
Scene 1
Sarah:
Argh! Kill it! [Aggressive]
Agnes:
Great. More excitement. [Dry, sometimes grim wit]
Sarah:
Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! [Aggressive]
Beth:
Help us out here, girls. Would you? [Cool-headed], [Reserved]
Agnes:
Target fifty, concentrate burst-fire! [Authoritarian, formal] Aim for the underside, below the carapace! [Clever Strategist]
...and then the rest of the script:
Act 3: Artillery Strike
Scene 1
Agnes:
We have incoming projectiles on high-arc from the south. [Clever Strategist] I want everybody hull down in the bunker, just in case they aren't showering us with good wishes. [Dry, sometimes grim wit]
Anna: (after a few shells hit)
Those are anti-personnel rounds, they aren't rated to penetrate this bunker's armour plating. [Knowledgeable], [Unimaginative]
Beth:
You mean they “probably” won't penetrate the armour plating. [Wise]
Agnes:
Fall back to the control room, just in case. [Authoritarian, formal] Aritomo won't keep this up for long, he'll want to give his footsoldiers a chance at a kill.[Clever Strategist]
Act 4: Snipers
Scene 1
Sarah: (after a round hits nearby)
Ah shit! Snipers! [Brash]
Agnes:
A forward scouting team most probably, they’ve moved up. Likely Aritomo’s figured out it’s just us here, by now. We can expect a full assault before too long. [Clever Strategist]
Sarah:
Camping bastards! [Brash]
Agnes:
Sergeant, see if you can’t work around and take them out. [Authoritarian, formal]
Act 5: Sandstorm
Scene 1
Beth:
Weather’s building up, there’s going to be a bit of a sand-squall around here any minute. [Reserved], [Cool-headed]
Agnes:
Visibility is going to be zero, the perfect time to assault us. [Clever Strategist] Eyes wide open ladies, please. [Authoritarian, formal]
Act 6: Assault
Scene 1
Agnes:
Target 45, infantry! Here they come. Mark your targets, sustain fire to take their shields down! Use secondaries only when you have a clear shot! [Clever Strategist] And watch those points in case they’ve flanked us in this storm. [Clever Strategist], [Authoritarian, formal]
Act 7: Dropship
Scene 1
Agnes:
Here’s our lift! Break on my order, zag pattern and don’t stop moving ‘til you hit the ramp. [Clever Strategist]
Agnes:
Break! [Authoritarian, formal]
All things considered, that's a lot better than the version we started with and if I was being honest about it, there's something quite reassuring about justifying a particular line to yourself based on the pre-written patterns of the character diamonds. But having said that, it's hardly a scientific process. Agnes' “Clever strategist” trait has manifest itself as something that doesn't quite fit that exact description. Rather than being 'clever' all of the time she's ended up just being 'strategically aware', mentioning things 'strategic' often, clever or not. Likewise, her 'dry, sometimes grim wit' is reading much more sardonic or sarcastic.
The question is: is this a problem? I don't know, it's hard to say. On the one hand, if you consider Freeman's system to be strictly and objectively deterministic then yes, we're breaking the 'rules' and we should go back and rewrite the dialogue until it satisfies the traits we have determined beforehand. On the other hand, Freeman often advises you to use your 'artistic' sense in implementing the techniques in his book.
The best example concerns his teaching of NPC Interesting Techniques in his screenwriting class. Someone had asked him, if all it takes to create an interesting character is four traits then why not put a huge list on the wall and throw darts? Freeman's answer is that there's more to it than that, that the arrangement of traits should be complementary and chosen 'artfully'.
For me, I think I'd prefer to revise Agnes' traits to reflect the way they have come out in this starting section of script. It sounds like cheating, but I think the real usefulness in the Freeman's character diamonds are not in their determinism but as a guide to consistency i.e. It doesn't matter if we change them as long as those changes are reflected throughout the entire gamut of that character's dialogue.
Next time we'll look at the next chapter: NPC Deepening Techniques.
Next: Part Twenty (coming soon)